


afraid and yet filled with joy

by iskra (kiira)



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: (resurrection!!!!!), 34 and post-34, F/F, death cw, suicide cw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-26
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-27 01:18:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2673476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiira/pseuds/iskra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you lift your sword and prepare to die</p>
            </blockquote>





	afraid and yet filled with joy

The camera is on and bile, fear fills your lungs for Laura is nowhere; her stupid, brave, hopeful friends are gone and the red light mocks you.

(She filmed a message for her father, and she starts crying in the middle of it; you cannot watch it; Laura’s tears are something holy, a sacrament you are too scarred to bear witness to.)

The words “I love you” do not pass her lips, the blessing of forgiveness is not spoken but if you are not fast she will never have a chance to speak is. (Your mother has taken, taken, taken and you will die before she has a chance to steal again; Laura is so damn _alive_ , your Mother’s touch will not corrupt her skin again.)

//

You are nearly too late. You are nearly too late, and you do not know how you could have lived with yourself if you had watched Maman devour Laura; (you wouldn’t have, you whisper in the back of your mind, you wouldn’t.)

The battle is sharp and bloody; you are made of anger and born from terrible murder; the need for blood under your nails sings as you slice through flesh and there is something akin to horror in Danny’s eyes as you spin past her.

(You and her are more similar than she likes to think; children forced to kill and you see the wolf smiling at the bloodshed.)

//

(There is a part of you that lies, that says you are doing this all for Laura, for Laura, for Laura; but you are doing this for you (for Mother) and the sword should never be held without a glove.)

You run out of the dorm (and you leave the glove on the table, for part of you craves the burn) (maybe it means you’re alive) and Danny pants to keep up with you, and you love your Mother.

You want to drive the sword deep into her dead, dead, dead heart.

(It is a suicide mission, but isn’t it fitting that she denied you death and when you deny her life, she will finally kill you.)

You only hope that Laura isn’t watching.

//

Right before you get to the chapel you stop. Danny, you know, doesn’t know that this is your suicide. She is so lovely, framed with the burning of the woods and you pull her down to whisper in her ear.

“Please,” and you hate how young you sound (but god you never grew up), “please tell Laura I love her and that she has saved me,” and you think that out of your thousands of suicide notes, you have never been more true; and Danny nods.

You lift your sword and prepare to die.

//

For your entire half-life you have occupied a sort of half-space; you have been alive in the basic definition of the word, an object in motion, (forever in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force) and the sword is an outside force. It pierces Maman’s heart as it burns into your skin and you are burning and Maman is falling falling falling.

You cannot find Laura.

You cannot find Laura, you do not want her to watch her die, you want to die in her arms.

Danny catches you as you fall and she screams (you cannot _hear_ ; you see her mouth open and Laura is there.) Danny’s hands are gentle (so gentle and you could cry if you weren’t burning, buring, burning) as they place you on Laura’s lap, and Laura smooths your bangs away from your face.

“We won,” she whispers, and you can’t tell if she’s crying or if you are or if your vision is blurring. “We won.”

“I know,” and your voice is a gasp and now you do know that Laura’s crying because her tears are cool on your skin (burning, burning, burning).

“Don’t talk, darling,” she whispers, and she leans down to press a kiss to your cheek (her lips are cool and dry and _god_ you want more time), “I love you, you know,” and you do.

You try so hard to say it back, but all you can do is gasp (your insides are burning, you are ashes and fire) and Laura takes the sword from your hand (it leaves a blackened mark; you think you can see bone, you think you can see heaven, you think you can see hell); “I know,” she whispers into your mouth and you know you taste of blood and ash and murder and you wonder even now how Laura can bear to kiss you.

Her face is blurry and she opens her mouth and says something but you cannot hear again; (you are burning, you are a funeral pyre); Laura is shaking your shoulder.

You remember this. Last time you tried to hold your inside in; last time you woke up gasping in the arms of a stranger, blood smeared on your lips.

(This time, you do not know if you will wake up. You think you see flames dancing on your fingertips, you think you see Laura’s eyes and then nothing.)

//

It was three days.

(Laura tells you later that she put your body by the lake because you could see the stars from the shore and you cried for hours.)

You woke up.

(It wasn’t Laura who found the empty sarcophagus; it was Danny. Laura had refused to bury it below the ground, it was white marble and on the shore of the lake. Danny was putting flowers on it and she found it empty.)

It was three days, and you woke up and you cried because you didn’t burn.

(Danny screamed.)

It took hours to push your way out.

(She ran to Laura)

You were dead; you are dead; you will always be dead; you stumble across campus because Laura, Laura, Laura, _Laura_.

She opens the door before the first knock and she’s kissing you before you can breathe and she’s crying or you’re crying and maybe it’s the same thing.

“I thought you were _dead_ ,” she sobs into your mouth, and you kiss her harder, because you thought you were dead too (a vampire can burn for only so long; flames should consume your empty body).

Danny makes a noise in the hallway and she’s crying; “I thought they had stolen your body,” and Laura’s holding you and you shake your head.

“I’m alive,” you whisper, and a miracle creeps into your voice. Danny walks over to you and kisses your cheek and then kisses Laura’s hair. “I’m glad, vamp-girl,” and there’s nothing of malice in her voice.

“I told Laura,” she whispers and you nod your thanks.

She squeezes your hand, and somewhere in the battle, the blood on your hands, in her mouth, on your face, your silly, petty rivalry has dissolved into this calm and Danny’s wolf is someone you know well (and the girl who wakes up alone in the woods is someone you know better).

Laura pulls you into your room and shuts the door firmly behind you.

“I’m alive,” you whisper again and Laura leans her forehead against yours (you can feel her heartbeat and _god_ you’re alive). “I know,” she says.

“I love you,” and she smiles, and it would break your heart, it’s so happy. “I _know_ , you silly girl,” she says, ( _girl, girl, girl_ , your heart sings) “I love you too, you know.”

And you kiss her again, and everything tastes of blooming and nothing tastes of ashes.


End file.
